Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.
Yes, this is a chapter from like eight chapters before everything I’ve published so far. I think, though may be wrong, that it would be the second chapter after another character you also haven’t seen yet is introduced in the first. I hope you enjoy.
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Chapter Two: Cherished or Perished?
Valerie stirred under the covers, a notification arriving on her work laplet with a discordant chime that provoked a Pavlovian mixture of mild concern but also hope in her.
It was a message from monseiurcurtis, sent at 9:36 am. Her second highest paying client. She rubbed the sand from her eyes and opened the notification.
hey bella i would like to cancel our next session and prob after that too
This message, originating from the third-party app package she had to download to get any app that could communicate with her fans working besides a web browser, was not exactly what she wanted to see.
“So what, are you dropping me?” Valerie typed. She felt a cold, resigned dread. She was under no illusion and knew exactly what was going on. But the johns couldn’t be privy to any of that. They had to think they were special to the very end or there could be trouble.
yes im sorry
How can you want to talk to a robot over me? I’m real and I’m right here.
i know but you don’t understand
i dont.. know you
for all i know u have a boyfriend and i need to talk to someone or thing that ill know i can trust that cant judge me
im so pathetic i know
im sorry
Valerie pushed the laplet away from her for a moment and sighed. This had been happening more and more to girls in her circles. She had already had one john leave for nearly this exact reason, and she would only have two regulars left if this fucker dropped out on her. Management wouldn’t look kindly on that.
She brought her attention back to the screen—
are you there
well ok i guess this is goodbye
Fuck!
I’m here, are you still there?
I promise I don’t judge you. I’ve never met anyone like you.
not a compliment
i know you have other clients
i can pay half as much for a girl ill cherish even more
‘Cherish’ was one of his favorite verbs, which he appeared to think was a suitable synonym for love. He liked to use flowery words here and there (that he had clearly looked up) to try and impress her. Anyway, this wasn’t good. Setting aside the matter of her future employment, her ability to pay the bills this month was now in question.
She really, really wished Garrett hadn’t moved to Cali. She couldn’t fault him. She would’ve done it in a heartbeat if she had been offered that opportunity, but… the bills.
Maybe she could sell her personal laplet. Then she’d just… have to do anything she didn’t want the studio knowing about on her phone. Her phone from 2027. Fuck.
She could try to negotiate setting up a profile with another studio or doing something independent alongside her current work, but the odds of approval were low and she wouldn’t start making enough cash until she’d been evicted anyway.
Or she could get another job in food service.
A cheery thought, especially with bipolar disorder. When she could set her own sleep schedule, Valerie could easily manage her condition with medication. But whenever there was some boss breathing down her neck and setting schedules where she could barely manage 6 hours of sleep, the mania would eventually follow. Then she’d have burnt yet another bridge and owe yet another psych ward a sum she couldn’t possibly repay.
Maybe she could find a new roommate. That would definitely help, even if the apartment would be a bit cramped if it wasn’t somebody she had feelings for. Or, perhaps, less cramped?
She dismissed everything in her mind and turned on some music, moving to the kitchen. She’d figure something out.
Somehow.
Put your hands around my body
Hold me tight and show it to me
She turned on the stove. Cracking some eggs into a bowl, she whipped them into a froth before noticing the shard of eggshell that had managed to get in. She grabbed a couple pieces of eggshell out of the trash, rinsed them off in the sink, and scooped the piece out, throwing all three pieces into the trash after.
When I’m with you I wanna talk much
About all the things that I’m thinking of
The pan that had already been sitting there was hot now, and the oil she added quickly became clear and watery as it sizzled. She carefully added the eggs, and started rinsing a couple vegetables to chop and add. There was the very end of a chicken sausage she had bought last week still, but she figured it would just be a tease to add it to this.
Baby, can I see you naked? (please?)
Even though I love how you dress, yeah
Unless…
She went to the fridge and grabbed the last little bit of the sausage, then crumbled it over the eggs. That would distribute better. Then she began chopping the zucchini and tomato.
Put your hands around my body
I am yours and your boy only
You got time and I got money
So put your hands around me
When she was done, she sat down with the laplet and her meal and opened up Nood’s webpage, the platform she used. Her third-party app only handled messages, and media was understandably disabled so that Apple wouldn’t potentially take action against the developers. Checking the chat of her highest paying john, she began typing a message.
Good morning, Mike. I hope you’re doing well. I am ;)
She sent the message, and he read it 23 seconds later and began typing a crude response. But she was already typing something similar to the next john on the list by the time he sent his reply.
Next: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work/Aet%20Lindling/Syboleth-ch-3-Special-161786
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Most of this was written in 2021, and set later than it should’ve been as it turned out a couple years later once ChatGPT had made its mark. But it can still be used, just when set a few years earlier.
Oh hello, you prophet! I told you I'd be back, eh?
Okay, so this chapter was MUCH better than your last one! I feel like you're sooo much more relaxed with Valerie than you are with Jess. There's more interiority and we get to see more of her thoughts and really experience things alongside her and it's good! When you eventually do your second draft, see if you can make Jess's perspective shine as much as Valerie's.
Some quick things!
"How can you want to talk to a robot over me? I’m real and I’m right here." <-- this seems to come out of nowhere? Like it sounds like it's true, but how could Valerie know this? And didn't she just say she had to be nice to the johns? Is this what she would do?
-> You talk about the studio and make it sound like she was trying to pick up more fans (understandable) but what is her other work? Does she do this full time? Have another pursuit? This isn't clear...
-> The song! I am a nerd, but I sort of want to know what it sounds like and what she is listening to. Does she recognize the song? Is it new? Like, even a little more detail would help make its inclusion even better.
-> Omg, the way she takes out eggshells is so weird, lol. She literally takes EGG SHELLS OUT OF THE TRASH to get the current eggshell out? I'd just use the spatula and fish out the offending eggshell out. XD
-> Anyway, I kind of like how she's quick on her feet. Clearly she's in a pickle and things aren't great and she has really big obstacles, but her flirting with Mike is pretty quick thinking... and probably the best idea, honestly, given her situation.
I suck at writing children I think. Im going to rework early Jess chapters, but mostly Im trying to cover her early backstory as quickly as possible so I can time jump already and we get to the Keira chapters and what comes in between that I havent finished or published yet, haha.
She will be as likable as Valerie eventually, if I do my job right.
As far as how she could know this, that becomes more obvious in chapter 5 which is coming up shortly. Basically, it%u2019s an extremely prevalent issue as of recent events.
Chapter five is up, and with it a brief mention of the instigator
Oh! And the song is %u201CYou got time and I got money%u201D by Smerz, who I plan to reach out to about permission (they are independent artists) if publishing for real
Hello, Hello, I'm MothNBon,e but you can call me Moth! Now I dont think I've read your work before, so it's nice to meet you! However, that does mean I am going in blind, so forgive me for anything I may get wrong. With that being said, I cant wait to see what this story has in store. Allthough I must warn, I am not a big sci-fi reader, so I may not be as tuned in as your other readers to the tropes. Regardless, let's get into it, my Macabe Moth themed review, shall we?
The Flame: What Drew Me In.
I feel that before we get into the nitty-gritty, we need to address the looming robotic elephant in the room. You really did hit the nail on the head, as you said in your little comment; the only thing you got wrong was the date being too far out. I, much like I would imagine a lot of writers, have a strong negative opinion of AI, but that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy a good cautionary tale. In fact, I think we need more like this, with how quickly things are going out of control.
I really do think stories like this are extra useful for quick spreading tech like AI. After all, most folks might not know of the issues it’s causing or care as deeply as we creatives do. So, exploring the dangers of such topics engagingly is a great way to possibly do that without trying to forcefully preach to someone. You might have already guessed, but you do get brownie points for that already.
Furthermore, I do enjoy the fact that you're representing not only an often overlooked and dehumanized line of work but a mental condition as well. Although I have almost no experience with either, I do appreciate the fact that you are exploring these topics respectfully. Honestly, the writer in me is very intrigued to see how, or if, they will play into the larger plot. Furthermore, I want to know if there will be deeper explorations into how the AI or society in general has impacted these fields. Lastly, I must say the fact that you highlight the idea that these types of work tend to be one of or not the only choice, many marginalized groups have when it comes to work. This has been historically true for queer people as well as, I would imagine, those with marginalized conditions.
( I also do enjoy the unspoken irony of choosing a chatbot used by millions of folks at once because the person you’re paying for a service may be doing it for others.)
Overall, I do think this sets up an interesting conflict as well as possible plots. I wonder just how different this world is from our modern one, and that’s always a good thing for these stories, in my opinion.
The Cacoon: What Has Room For Improvement.
Now that we are done with my first impressions, it’s time to get the feedback. I know, I know, everyone's least favourite or favourite part of getting a review. I will apologize that this may come off as overly harsh; that is not my intention. I have a lot of thoughts. With that being said, please feel free to take whatever you want from this and take this with a grain of salt. I am not a professional after all.
The first thing I want to bring up isn’t necessarily having to do with the chapter itself, but a general worry. If I could be fully honest here, while the narrative and writing itself are clear, how it’s posted is not. I have also had to add chapters out of order, but the sporadic, not clearly ordered posting makes this good story hard to get into. By the sounds of it, we haven’t seen the real chapter one, so not only is it harder to gauge things like arcs, but we are presumably missing/ will continue to be missing large chunks of plots. Overall, it may confuse readers as I have no idea where to go next, and in this day and age, I don’t know if others would go through all this extra hassle for a story that is missing whole chapters.
Besides that, I couldn’t find any grammar to nitpick, so my feedback will mostly be focused on style. One of the bigger things I noticed, as other reviewers have said, is that a few of the sentences were a tad long. Yes, I am also aware I am a fellow long sentence enjoyer, so no shade. However, there were two I would break up just to help with the flow. Starting with:
I feel this could be broken up into two sentences, so it reads more like this.
break up just to help with the flow. Starting with:
It is still a bit long, but it comes off as a bit more streamlined and punchy as an opening.
Now this second one felt a bit over written and plays into the feel of telling over showing I will bring up later.
break up just to help with the flow. Starting with:
I understand that tech is a big focus in the story, but I think going into such detail about the app package drags it down a bit. Furthermore, I feel stating that wasn’t what she wanted to see is a missed chance to show her reaction. I am no tech guy, so forgive me if the rewrite is wrong.
The line before it is key to setting this up, but everything else sort of feels like it's just there as a info dump and comes off as unnatural. Perhaps you could change this to her getting so upset that she starts to silently rant to herself trying to figure this out. That small change would help it feel more natural and help with further character building.
Okay, okay I know this is long but I promise I am allmost done theres just one small thing I want to bring up before we part ways.
I get that this is a smaller slice of life chapter but personally the ending seems a bit weak. There isnt really any big answers to make it feel like we learnt something or enough of a hook to make me want to turn the page right now. Perhaps cutting off the last few lines and leaving it on the text may fix that a bit.
The Final Bites and Fluttering Wings: Wrapping Up My Thoughts.
Look I know it might not feel like it with all that feedback but I do think you have a great idea here. The little taste we get here promises a very down to earth story a lot of folks can relate to. With everything going on nowadays I do think we may need stories like this and I honestly may check out more if you can point me towords the right ones. I think you could have tons of fun with this cast as there seems to be way more then just whose shown here and if it involes more of setting it could be some prime stuff. I can just picture the drama or parts where we get the feels from just this alone.
I really hope I don't come off as stuck up as I would love to see where this goes. However we all have a places to grow and polish up drafts. After all to make something shiny you need to start with something a bit rough right? Please let me know if you want me to clear up anything that may have been confusing.
Now without futher aduo, go do something creative and drink water!
Thank you very kindly for this thoughtful review! Youll be pleased to know the chapter one I have up already is in fact final, so no worries there. As far as%u2026 what comes after chapter two%u2026 thats why Im working on chapters 3-9 and the other ones in between the Keira chapters now before publishing anything else, even though Ive written what must be like chapter 80. It would just have way too many massive spoilers to put here yet.
Speaking of spoilers, there are reasons you arent allowed to know about the particulars of the scenery yet in any of the scenes published so far featuring a home or household %uD83D%uDE09 I%u2019m actually glad someone finally complained haha
And overall, Ive been plotting this out for six years total and am only now finalizing chapters. Absolutely everything you hoped would play an important role later already does, you just havent seen it yet
Alright, next confusingly named chapter xd Are you not sure yourself what the order should be?
*reads the AN* Ah understood xd
The long sentences continue.
Uhm when you show the text messages it might have been helpful to have a sentence showing Valerie’s emotional reaction as she types “how can you talk to a robot over me”. Otherwise the entire sequence can be confusing since there’s no indication of which line comes from which person.
Also goes to the other txt msg they exchange. I do think it’s obv which character types what line but it would still be helpful to clearly separate them.
Ok she has a tablet and laplet or are you using the terms interchangeably?
I like how you show the small scale trouble that AI is causing regular people. I also like the easy domestic air of the chapter. I feel like I got to know a lot about Valerie in a short amount of time and that you handled that part really well. Hopefully we see her again ^^
She%u2019s by far my favorite main character to write and the only one I see myself in (Keira just has random bits of me but is nothing like me) so most certainly you shall!